


again

by shrimp_princess



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, aka after may finds out that phil is dying but before she tells him she loves him, and before 5x17, i am doing an aos rewatch and philinda truly makes me go crazy but i never see any content about it, should this be considered angst?? probably, takes place sometime after 5x12, this is self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:08:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29646948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrimp_princess/pseuds/shrimp_princess
Summary: May grapples with the discovery that Phil is dying.
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	again

Melinda May expects it to be a sharp agony inside of her, but it was more of a dull ache. A  _ not-quite-yet _ hurt. The man she loves is dying. 

(Again, was the last word of that sentence. The man she loves is dying  _ again _ , but that made it worse. That brought up drudges of memories that she did not want to recall, of finding out he was gone for the first time, of all the horrible things they did to him to bring him back, the way he looked at her when he found out. It wasn’t fair that this was going to happen twice, that she was going to find out that he was dead  _ twice. _ So it was just that--the man she loves is dying.)

The frustration of it tears through her, because she was meant to be able to protect the team, to protect  _ him _ .

But he had accepted this fate. He had rolled over and closed his mind to any possibility of living on, and that was even more unfair. He wasn’t even willing to try. 

“You’re angry with me,” he says. He was decent enough not to phrase it like a question, not to pretend that she could be anything  _ but _ angry with him. 

She does not reply to him. She doesn’t think her mouth would be able to say the things she needed to say to him, that the shape of the words would cut her and choke her before they ever escaped the confines of her throat. 

_ I love you _ , her mind taunts.  _ I love you, but even if I tell you now, you’ll be gone soon, and I don’t know if that will be worse than never telling you at all _ . 

It was no lie that they exchanged a flirtatious comment here and there, and it was no fiction that they trusted and cared for each other. But love--romantic love, at least--had never been on the table for them. It was certainly unthinkable to him, and Melinda had never allowed herself to imagine such a luxury with Phil. There was too much history between them, other romantic liaisons, a mutual foundation of trust that didn’t need to be tainted and infected with the messy business of love, even if deep down, though she would never admit it, she had felt this for him for longer than the past couple months. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t know how to tell the team. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

He would be gone, she knew. In the not-too-distant future, he would not be able to stand in front of her and to speak to her again.

“Please,” she replies. “Don’t.”

She did not know what she was asking of him. Don’t talk about it, don’t apologize for it, don’t go, _don't leave me again_. 

He nods. She wishes more than anything that she could say some words of comfort, that she could reach forward and touch his hand, but that would be a stumble in the dance they had been carefully stepping to all these years.

Even so, the man she loves is dying again, the biggest misstep of them all. 

“Do you--” Phil begins to say, but suddenly it’s all too much. May turns and walks away before he can finish. He does not follow. 

**Author's Note:**

> im @theycallmebeaker on tumblr!!


End file.
